I know this is a little late seeing as I am in Japan right now, but I did not have internet on the plane so I could not post anything that I wrote during that time. (Don't worry, I will post more recent stuff after this!) However, before I go any further, I would like to put in a couple of disclaimers:
- The things that I have written for my blog so far are incredibly self-indulgent and a little embarrassing, but for the sake of documenting my complete experience, I will post them. My pre-Japan experience has involved a lot of inwardly-focused thoughts and reflections, but from here on out I will have something other than my own thoughts to share with you so please bear with me!
- I have resigned myself to having imperfect English. My third grade English teacher would have shed a tear at some of my sentences, but it's much more comfortable for me to write as I would talk and not worry too much about punctuation rules. If I really worried about how intelligent my writing sounded and pleasing the grammar marms out there, I would only be able to pop out one post a week, tops. I strive to do more than that, so I sincerely hope that my writing is okay.
I am writing this somewhere over California, I think. The flight is about 3 hours in and my butt is already super numb, so I don’t know what the next 9ish hours are going to be like. (Where is there to go past super numb?) Anyways, I feel like I should write about the things that I meant to post on my blog a long time ago, but was too distracted to sit down and write. Seeing as I will be sitting for a while, there is no reason not to, right?
I’d say about 80% of my nervousness comes from the fact that I will be staying with a host family. The other 20% is typical ‘going to a foreign country and staying for a year’ anxiety, which would have been totally manageable if I were just staying a dorm and taking care of myself. But that host family bit, that’s the bit that is has pushed me way into messy-mess territory. That’s what I am. A messy-mess. I mean, I’m not tearing out my hair or anything, but I feel like my legs have been wobbly for the past week.
I know tons of students have stayed with host families before, but for me it’s definitely the biggest challenge I’ve ever taken on. Never was the risk of disappointing someone as high as it is now! Or at least it seems that way. I could whine for pages about my hypothetical ‘what-if-this-happens’ scenarios, but I’d rather save you the pain of reading my nonsense and myself the embarrassment of writing it. (There will be plenty of that to go around when I get to Japan!)
Logic has not been very successful at soothing my fears. Tactics that my nervousness has overpowered include:
1. Putting their address into Google maps and zooming in as close as I can to their house, trying to imagine what it looks like in person. Google allows me to get a street view of the main street two blocks away from where they live. I use it thinking that having an idea of what the area is ‘like’ will be comforting, but looking up the narrow, hedge-lined road, staring down at the staggered letters of “to-ma-re”(Japanese S-T-O-P) makes it all seem so real that my just heart seizes up all over again! I’m starting to realize that it’s one thing to fantasize about something and something completely different to have it come true.
2. Talking to friends and family. It seems like all of the “you’ll do fine!” and “they chose to have you!” in the world only fill a big pool of encouragement that I’m standing next to like, “oh that’s nice”, enjoying the cool breeze that wafts from it, but not really able to jump in. There’s a fence there and I’m on the other side. A fence of irrationality. Or something. (It’s a sloppy metaphor, but you get the point, right? :))
3. Negating every scary thought I have with a comforting one. For some reason those thoughts are very tidy and wise, a lot like an imaginary Dumbledore were saying them. Inner-Dumbledore’s soothing effect lasts for a little while, but not for long usually. He’s just not as wise or convincing as ‘real’ Dumbledore, I guess.
4. Chewing gum.
Anyhow, that’s where I am now. Somewhere between “This is a dream come true!” and “Oh jeez, what have I gotten myself into?” All this worrying had done nothing for me but give me a sore jaw and distract me from appreciating how fortunate I really am. I think I will start a list of things I learned from study abroad, and put that at the very top: “I AM THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD” so I never forget how statistically unlikely it is for anyone in the history of human experiences to have a life so full of comforts and opportunities as mine has been. I have so much to be grateful for, and I know if I paid more attention to those things, there would be nothing to be worried about. This adventure is a gift. I should treasure it, right?
I think I just need to force out my worries instead of indulging them. So here is a promise to myself: from here on out, I am resolved not to worry anymore. Worrying is forbidden. It’s about time I started enjoying this experience to its fullest! I will never have another one like it.
Well, my laptop’s battery is dying and I don’t have anywhere to plug it in on this plane, so I better save this for now. I also think they’ve decided it’s bedtime for everyone because they’ve fed us and turned off all of the lights so I better turn this off before I annoy anyone with the light from my screen.
From somewhere over the Pacific Ocean,
Mackenzie
